What is Biblical Friendship and the warning to use discernment.

          “Then the Lord said it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18). From the beginning God created human beings to be relational. Relationships are important to our development, emotional stability, and the reality of the inner workings of our relationship with God. However, we need to be careful in comparing our relationships with other human beings with God. We live in a fallen world, and it is easy for us to blame our creator for bad outcomes. Truth be told, we aren’t great at handling our own relationships and it is often the cause of our sinful nature. However, God did give us great examples on both ends and instructions on how to handle those relationships in a healthy way with wisdom and the gift of discernment.

Two examples of relationships:

          In second Samuel 19:25-26 Mephibosheth is melancholy over the banishment of king David he mourned by keeping unkept. When David came to him asking him why he did not join him in his exile, he explained what took place. Mephibosheth complained that Ziba, his servant, who was supposed to be his friend abandoned him after Ziba was asked to prepare a donkey for the trip to join David in his exile. Ziba was supposed to be his friend and instead betrayed Mephibosheth by abandoning him knowing his friend was lame and could not do for himself as others could. This is a great example for two distinct reasons. One, Mephibosheth was left on his own when he sought help from and friend only to be abandoned by his friend. Two, instead of wallowing in his discontent for not being able to join David in exile, he mourned and did not keep himself until Davids’s return. One type of friend who leaves due to political upheaval and difficult times is no friend at all. Two, the type of friend who went through difficult situation he mourned and prayed for David’s return.

          Two other types of friendships come to mind. The friendship between Jonothan and David. 1Samuel 18:1-4; 20:14-17. Jonothan died in battle to protect David from Saul (Jonothan dad). David and Jonothan were more like brothers, but closer because of the bond they had throughout the struggles and wars they fought together. David loved Jonothan as a brother and cared for his family even after his death. This is the type of friendship we should have with others who we discern are of good character, strong ethics, and care for the well-being of others above themselves.

          The other friendship is one we should be very careful in not accepting the advice given. When Jonadab gave consultation to Amon about his half-sister Tamar in terms of raping her to fulfill a physical need to be with her. In the end Amon hated his half-sister and sent her away causing dissention among his brothers for the crime he committed against his her. There are people in this world who sound like they are giving us good advice, but instead want to help us fulfill selfish needs instead of advising us to act with sound judgment and against our sinful desires. One such case happened in my own life some years ago and it nearly destroyed me and destroyed my reputation in many ways.

Personal experience

          Though sometimes we are warned not to disclose our private lives on social media. I think sometimes taking the risk is wise in terms of helping others see the errors they are making in their lives. Plus it humanizes the writer a bit more in revealing that they aren’t perfect and they struggle with the same areas as did many during biblical times. It also gives the added perspective that there is “The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1:9). All too often we think that what has been done in the past will never be repeated. I can personally attest that not only can it be repeated, but the same results are often just as dire as when it was done in the past. Be careful in repeating other mistakes and sins, it can cost you your character, reputation, and your life.

          After listening to very unsound and unwise advice I found myself in several situations for which I deserved. I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship, where I was expected to just go along with her decisions. She often coursed me into lying to her mother and to our employers, using the money I was saving to buy a car and get my own place for trips to Mrytle Beach, South Carolina, Florida, and Dominican Republic. We often went to Gentlemen’s Club’s with her god-sisters, checked into hotels, and bar hopping throughout the night. Because of my decisions I found myself in drunken stupors that led to having a sexual relationship with her and being exposed to a litany of other unhealthy behavior all due of course by the twisting of my anger towards past situations. In the past I had been warned that if I did not deal with the load, I was carrying I would find myself hitting rock bottom. I had gone through therapy, went to several pastors for help, and even trusted members of my family, nothing seemed to help with the baggage I was carrying from past abuses.

          Though it may seem as though my past situation was different from Amon’s situation. It wasn’t. Both situations play on a long and deceptive tactic that Satan plays on the use of unwise and unsound advice from friends who, I might add, comes from our sinful natures to overturn our own self-control, and turn it into self-indulgences that we know are wrong, yet we fall for it due in part to our need for relationships (romantic or otherwise). There were many excuses I used to continue in these sins and the result was partly the cause of both my physical and mental health issues. I found myself committing myself to a mental health hospital because of suicidal ideations caused by both physical and emotional health issues in February of 2020. By March of 2020 we were on lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic, I lost my job just as thousands of other people. Instead of the pandemic causing mental health issues for me, God used the situation to bring me back to him. I fully repented and the Holy Spirit comforted me while bringing me to the full knowledge of why I couldn’t get lose of my past abuses. I used the time wisely, studying scripture, but again I would find myself going down a path that I was all too familiar with.

          I had found myself back in Oklahoma with what I would have considered a good position. I, however, was not informed until after I had taken the job that my new employers were placing me in the LGBTQIA+ unit for adolescents at the mental health hospital. It was there that I found myself learning more about the community that I had just left. On top of that I found myself still entrenched in the Word of Faith/Prosperity community. A community I was raised in and warned about before my fall. Again, I had decisions to make, and I was committed to finding the truth instead of believing everyone who I had become friends with. This time I relied on the Bible and on the Holy spirit to help me maneuver through what would be another destructive path.

Whom do you listen to when your friends are indoctrinated in half-truths?

          There are wonderful examples of friends who can be a huge help during times of suffering. The book of Job gives us two examples of friendship for which the twisting of truth with opinion can lead to God’s rebuke and correction. There are always those well-intentioned friends who think they know why we are suffering. In our human understanding we can be judgmental, condescending, and arrogant in our attempt to console our friends. Three such friends in the book of Job did so throughout their friends suffering, and in the end Job and his three friends are rebuked by God for their twisting of the truth and arrogant responses. “Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place. Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.” Though their intention were to comfort their friend during his suffering, their doctrine was twisted and opinions damning. Eliphaz thought very highly of himself believing that Job had done something to deserve all this suffering. We do not always suffer due to sins; we live in a broken world, and we all suffer from time to time. We learn to recognize that God’s sovereign will leads us to a closer relationship with him. We are drawn closer during times of suffering and there is nothing greater than our friendship with Jesus John 15:15 and John 18:13.

Job’s response to Eliphaz

          “He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty. My brothers are treacherous as a torrent-bed, as torrential streams that pass away, which are dark with ice, and where the snow hides itself. When they melt, they disappear; when it is hot, they vanish from their place. The caravans turn aside from their course; they go up into the waste and perish. The caravans of Tema look, and the travelers of Sheba hope. They are ashamed because they were confident; they come there and are disappointed. For you have now become nothing; you see my calamity and are afraid. Have I said, “Make me a gift”? Or, from your wealth offer a bribe for me”? Or deliver me from the adversary’s hand”? Or redeem me from the hand of the ruthless”? “Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have gone astray. How forceful are upright words! But what does reproof from you reprove? Do you think that you can reprove words when the speech of the despairing man is wind? You would even cast lost over the fatherless, and bargain over your friend.” Job 6:14-27. Throughout the whole conversation we see that all three friends had a twisted view of God and of Job’s suffering except for the fourth friend Elihu who fears God so that he rebukes his friend Job in (Job 35-36). Elihu is commended for his fear of God and his right standing while God is angry with Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar who did not speak of God uprightly Job 42:7-9.

Choosing upright friends and the use of discernment

          Over the years I have had friends come and go. Sadly, like Job I have had friends who were fair-weather. They were for some reason afraid of remaining in my life during my greatest suffering and even when I was rebelling against God. There were a few however who remained in my life and for that I am most grateful to God for his sovereign will to keep them in my life during times where it was most difficult. Though I have lost loved ones to nearly all forms of illness, murder, and unsaved. I have lost plenty of jobs due to the economy, physical illness, and my own doing. I can not compare my life to Job’s, but his life has in many ways helped me understand that Jesus is my best friend no matter how much suffering I have come to. I have found contentment and peace in the words of Job and in Proverbs in making the proper distinctions between a true friend and a fair-weathered friend.

          There is so much wisdom in the Bible on the topic of friendship, Proverbs being a unique book full of wisdom, understanding, and discernment. Proverbs give unique position on how we should navigate relationships as this includes bonding with one another and a mutual affection. However, it is important that we are careful in our choice of friends.  “One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked lands them astray.” Proverbs 12:26. It is not without saying that we should be careful whom we run with. I found this out the hard way in several instances. The first time I developed friendships in high school I made some bad choices, and it landed my brother in hot water for a crime he didn’t commit. I wouldn’t have known this fact if it hadn’t been for what happened the week of graduation. At the senior class breakfast, my brother’s accuser came forward publicly announcing that she had lied. Though I have forgiven her for what she did, the result cost my brother his character, reputation, and led him to continue going down a very self-destructive lifestyle. My dad played a part in this by not doing his part in parenting.

          God gives us examples and guidance throughout scripture. Giving us warnings to be on the lookout for those who would do us harm and betray our trust. We have been given the unique responsibility to give guidance to our neighbor. Who is our neighbor? Our children, siblings, friends, and anyone we have a relationship with. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17). We are to love one another and support one another, but we should not advise one another to continue in sin, that isn’t love. “Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man.” (Proverbs 3:3-4). A friend who always loves, loves even during hard times. They will not leave you no matter your circumstances. “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24. Fair-weather friends come and go, but, in times of trouble, we will discover who our true friends really are. True friends exhibit unselfish, sacrificial love they stay by our sides no matter the adversity.

          I have three friends who never left my side. They remained closer than sisters in ways that would take me another fifty pages to describe their love, devotion, and willingness to call me out on my stuff. They have been my accountability, loyal, and steadfast friends. I call them my sisters because they have rightly made their positions known in my life. I pray daily I have been there for them in the same way. Amber Spraug and her family took care of me, cleaned my physical wounds, taught me what true friendship looks like. Amber was present during a very abusive time in my life and it was because of her and her family that I have remained hopeful that friendship is a gift from God and how we treat and guide others is of great importance. Amber also kept a big family secret, knowing that I didn’t want others to know that it was apart of my family who lost three loved one’s. Amber was even my accountability when I tried to commit suicide in February of 2020.

          Julie Standcheck, the first few months at Southwestern she made me her friend. Took a chance on me and confided in me during a difficult time in her life. I had been dealing with my own adversities and she stood with me. We have been friends for over twenty years, and I have gleaned a lot of wisdom from her friendship. She taught me how to use my gift of discernment (without knowing she did), and she taught me how to look to God through illness. Her strength and faith in God have strengthened me in many ways. Janna Smith has been a long-time friend. We attended grade school together without knowing we had, but God brought us together in college as roommates, she saw me through the stressors of college life, encouraged me to be social with many others opening my heart to many other friends. Twenty years later her parents opened their home to me, helped me deal with the news of a triple homicide that had occurred back when I was in junior high, and helped me to see God’s forgiveness for the sins I had committed in my rebellion. I am truly grateful for the love, guidance, and hope they instilled in me.

          I have a new friendship with a young woman I cannot thank enough for her encouragement, correction, and support in my advancement in Apologetics and discernment. Laurn Wiley is a force to be reckoned with, when she gets her teeth into the truth, she doesn’t let go, she fights hard with devotion. Her loyalty, kindness, and faithful willingness to become friends online and take a chance on me brought me to tears during a time I was fighting Clinical depression and Anxiety. She helped by encouraging me to continue reading the bible, to fight for my physical and mental health, and embraces me with God’s steadfast love by just being a friend. I can say so much about a few other friends, but these women in my life have been lifelines and God’s examples of his steadfast love in my life. I never thought I would find a friend that is closer than a brother, but I had when God convicted me in my sin, loved me to tell me I’m in the wrong, and brought me to the truth. I have learned that “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” Proverbs 12:1

          I have learned over the years that “oil and perfume makes a heart glad, and sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” (Proverbs 27:9). I have learned that a fair-weathered friend stinks of refuse and decay, but a friendship full of wise counsel brings you to truth, steadfast love, loyalty, and great compassion even when I don’t deserve it. My heart rejoices that God has opened my eyes to the truth and that my life is better for it. Though I suffer I have a group of Elihu’s who correct, reproof, hold me accountable, and reveal God’s love in ways that would take too long to describe. They openly rebuke me without consequence to themselves “Better an open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:5-6).

          Having friends who are willing to call us out, cause us pain when we need to hear the truth, and hold us accountable sharpens us. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17. The sharpening hurts and at times we do become angry with what is being said to us, but if we humble ourselves and see the truth those wounds heal and strengthen the friendship. One such example, when I was telling my friends about my same sex relationship. Two friends came forward and told me they couldn’t support me in my rebellion against God. We remained friends, but it put a strain on our friendship. However, because they rebuked me, they revealed they weren’t afraid to speak up and tell me the truth. For that I love them even more for their willingness to speak the truth though it wounded me. The wound healed and it helped me see the truth and remain convicted throughout the whole of that same sex relationship. Because they spoke the truth the relationship dissolved, I repented, and God delivered me from homosexuality. They showed me God’s love by their willingness to correct me out of love.

          Standing on the Word of God and not allowing others to tell us something false is the standard we should all base our relationships upon. Our firm foundation should be upon God in our relationship with Jesus and following the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Without the Bible as the basis of God’s communication to his children we would not know how we should treat one another. Therefore, be doers of the word as we hear the word of God and keep it. “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it.” (Luke 11:28). We are not just to listen and read it but obey it and keep it as a standard as Christians. When we listen to the counsel of others we count as friends, test it with scripture and don’t hesitate to correct one another, sharpen one another, and be a friend in times of adversity. We show Christ Jesus in our relationships by keeping to and obeying the Word of God (Bible).